I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
