My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
wanna go halves on a baby?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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