Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
