I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
