Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
