my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
