She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
