I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
