Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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