We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
