She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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