Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
