Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
