Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
