Don't make out with my wife yet
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
