and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
