sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
