Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I love having hate sex.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we're making bets on your personal life
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
