the condom got lost in my hair
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
