I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
