just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it glows. i had to have it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
