i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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