my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize