Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
