I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My ass is underappreciated
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
