well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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