remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
