I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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