A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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