If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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