would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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