sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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