Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
