I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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