I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
