After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize