Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
