I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize