I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
