woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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