Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need a beard to bite.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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