If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
