My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
