You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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