Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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