Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
