he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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