I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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