the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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