i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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