Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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