Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
