So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
