OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
