he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize