Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize