what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
