i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
