yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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