After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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