I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just found puke in my bra..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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